I’ve come to the startling realisation that I have high expectations. For those who know me, this isn’t really a shock. I struggle to come to terms with my emotions and I often feel isolated and alone when in a room full of people. However, there is a reason for that. For so long I struggled to communicate or interact with people in the real world so I invented a safe haven in my head. A place in which I still try to stay.
In my safe haven, I would always imagine my alter ego going through my daily routine. She would be so much more confident talking to friends and teachers, she would look better than I did when I felt frumpy and she achieved everything I wanted to. When real me didn’t win any awards because I hadn’t done what was required, she would be up on stage receiving every certificate and trophy available. I couldn’t tell the boy I liked how I felt, but she would already be dating him. When I felt like a failure and a disappointment, she was the most loved person in any room.
I’ve realised though, that living with this fantasy in my head, is first and foremost exhausting. The most disappointing thing is never being second best to someone else, but being second best to yourself. Secondly, this fantasy world has only led to disappointment and heartache when reality didn’t quite live up to my expectations. That heartbreak was so much worse because it worked out perfectly in my head. Not achieving my dreams left me disconnected because I couldn’t fathom how my expectations had been let down so easily.
I want to try something I haven’t done since I was 13. I’m going to stop living in my head so much. I have missed out on so many amazing opportunities because I was too scared or I had overthought it. Jumping to the worst case scenario every time something happens needs to stop. I need to trust my own judgement and know that if I’ve made a decision that I will stick to it. I encourage you all to do the same. So often we focus on the negative aspects of life or those 5 bad minutes in a day full of great things. Start looking for the good in life and if you see something that isn’t quite how it should be, do something to change it. Stop imagining a world that could be better and set out to make your reality just that.
Before you go to bed, try to remember one good thing that happened that day.
All my love,